Dear Trust

Dear Trust,

You beautiful, fragile thing. So easily broken, not so easily regained. It was easy to have you around, but not anymore. You let me make friends, love people, but now you are nowhere to be seen, and I feel so alone. You come between me and everyone now, No one gets close, I know you are only trying to help, but you are doing more harm than good. You make me fear close relationships, because that means they can hurt me, and I don't know if I can take being hurt again. 

Each time someone acts like they care, you make me push them away, because I just can't trust them enough. Can't trust them enough not to hurt me in the end. Can't trust them not to bring me pain, because I have been living with pain my whole life, and I don't need anymore.

Dear Trust,

Dear mistrust, lack of trust. I need to let you go. I need to be able to open up again, so that I can feel, to allow someone to care for me, without fear of them hurting me, without fear that I will hurt them. 

We are getting closer to where I want to be, need to be. I just hope now that we don't mess up this tiny, fragile bond.

Dear Emptiness

Dear Emptiness,

I feel myself shutting down, but I can't stop it. It feels like someone has gutted me, like I am just a walking, talking, shell. I can almost feel myself withering away. And the worst part is that no one notices. I want to scream and kick and lash out, punch someone to make them see me. But it is just too much fucking effort.

I feel tired all the time, no energy, and all I want to do is sleep. But I can't even sleep, I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. Everything around me is just there, just as empty and blank as I feel. Everyone around me keeps going, I feel myself falling behind, fading away.

Dear Emptiness,

I feel like I have nothing left of myself to give. It is so hard trying to be happy anymore, when I don't feel anything on the inside. Putting on a smile everyday to not worry people, to keep the questions away is exhausting. It's hard to even go out anymore. I feel like people know, and that they judge me because of it, and it hurts.

Dear Emptiness,

Sometimes, I have these rare, beautiful moment, where I don't feel quite so empty. Where I can look ahead and I see happiness, a time when I will be able to smile for real. These moments are the moments that keep me going. But would it kill you to let them happen a bit more often?