Dear Social Anxiety

Dear social anxiety,
they are watching me, looking, seeing, staring. And you are right here, pointing them out. Tricking me into believing that I am a fumbling, bumbling, idiot. That I am ugly, fat. you make me believe that they are making fun of me, laughing. And so I panic. I can't breathe. I stop reasoning. You allow for no thought, no break until I am weak, on my knees, and I need air, oxygen I need to catch my fucking breath and I can't...I can't...I can't...breathe....

Dear social anxiety,
you make me worry over the most trivial things. You make me worry about the way I walk about the way I take an item off the shelf, about saying the wrong thing in front of a group of friends. I just want to be able to go out in public and not have to worry. Not worry about the way people are looking at me. And there are too many people here. Something could go wrong, I can't do anything...I can't....I can't....I can't breathe.....

Dear social anxiety,
you are taking away everything. My family, my friends, my life, me. I can't even talk to anyone. Afraid they will think I only want attention, afraid they will get sick of hearing my problems. And now you're only getting worse. I have to force myself to talk to my friends, to the people I care about. Because everything is easier when I don't have to go out in public, when I can just stay home and not potentially embarrass myself. All I want to do is curl in on myself, and stay there, where it is safe. Your shadow is growing bigger, darker. I am afraid that it will consume me completely. Because I can't breathe....

Dear Trust

Dear Trust,

You beautiful, fragile thing. So easily broken, not so easily regained. It was easy to have you around, but not anymore. You let me make friends, love people, but now you are nowhere to be seen, and I feel so alone. You come between me and everyone now, No one gets close, I know you are only trying to help, but you are doing more harm than good. You make me fear close relationships, because that means they can hurt me, and I don't know if I can take being hurt again. 

Each time someone acts like they care, you make me push them away, because I just can't trust them enough. Can't trust them enough not to hurt me in the end. Can't trust them not to bring me pain, because I have been living with pain my whole life, and I don't need anymore.

Dear Trust,

Dear mistrust, lack of trust. I need to let you go. I need to be able to open up again, so that I can feel, to allow someone to care for me, without fear of them hurting me, without fear that I will hurt them. 

We are getting closer to where I want to be, need to be. I just hope now that we don't mess up this tiny, fragile bond.

Dear Emptiness

Dear Emptiness,

I feel myself shutting down, but I can't stop it. It feels like someone has gutted me, like I am just a walking, talking, shell. I can almost feel myself withering away. And the worst part is that no one notices. I want to scream and kick and lash out, punch someone to make them see me. But it is just too much fucking effort.

I feel tired all the time, no energy, and all I want to do is sleep. But I can't even sleep, I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. Everything around me is just there, just as empty and blank as I feel. Everyone around me keeps going, I feel myself falling behind, fading away.

Dear Emptiness,

I feel like I have nothing left of myself to give. It is so hard trying to be happy anymore, when I don't feel anything on the inside. Putting on a smile everyday to not worry people, to keep the questions away is exhausting. It's hard to even go out anymore. I feel like people know, and that they judge me because of it, and it hurts.

Dear Emptiness,

Sometimes, I have these rare, beautiful moment, where I don't feel quite so empty. Where I can look ahead and I see happiness, a time when I will be able to smile for real. These moments are the moments that keep me going. But would it kill you to let them happen a bit more often?

Dear Brain

Dear Brain, please stop thinking. You are overdoing your job, and sending me into a tailspin of emotions. You allow me no room to breathe. No space or time to catch up. And I am sick OF THIS SHIT. Of this whole world, all it's inhabitants, this fucking "plan" that is supposedly in existence. I keep thinking that everyone else knows all the details, and I'm just left here not knowing where everyone went, helpless and not knowing what to do.

Dear Brain, please settle down in there. You are making me think again. Think that I am alone, with no one to help me. Think that I would be better off gone. Think that I'm going insane with no back up plan. No rescue coming to my aid in these dangerous waters.

Left to your own devices, you are nothing but a menace, waiting for night to come so you can jump quickly, pounce, attack, and leave me paralyzed with fear. Fear of things that have no business being feared, much less being thought about by me.

Dear Brain, thank you for finally settling down. I can go to sleep now. There is peace again after the raging storm. Even if it is only for a little while.

Dear Pain

Dear Pain, I hunger for you, ache for you. You are a long-time friend, a long-time adversary. You feel so good, slowly making your way across my skin, allowing me to finally fucking feel something, anything. You and I have been separated for quite some time, but I do not have to have a razor anymore to feel you.

I miss you sometimes, most of the time actually. I miss the blood, the stinging itch of a healing cut. But you comfort me no more. You feel good to me, but others hate you. They hate what you make me, a shell of myself. You bring them more pain than you do me. 

Dear Pain, I wish you could still comfort me, but I began needing more. Hotter, sharper, more dangerous. Deeper, longer, closer to death. An unending cycle of hate, love, pain, desperation. I almost envy others who still have you as a friend, a comforting ally.

You seduce those who think about you. Just once you say. But I know better now. 

I have known better for one year and five months. But it is hard, so hard to not give in. 

I am thankful for those around me, keeping me from myself. Keeping me alive. At least I live to fight another day.

Dear Sadness

It seems I can't do anything anymore without crying. It feels like there is no point to all this. I am sick of feeling this way, yet I can't change it. Dear sadness, why couldn't you be happier? I am trying to leave you behind, yet you persistently follow me everywhere I go. In those rare moments of clarity, I see how far I have fallen, what I have become, and I vow not to let it happen again. But it always does.

Dear Sadness, why must you be so powerful, so all-consuming? When you hit, there is nothing anyone can do to comfort me, despite their best efforts.

Dear Sadness, when will you go away for good? Or at least for more than a few hours' time? I hope soon, because I grow weary of fighting you. This battle is only becoming ever increasing, and I want to call a truce. You are hungry, and feed on my tears, you will allow for nothing other than complete victory.

Dear Sadness, you are a mind-numbing kind of agony. Dear Sadness, dear bringer of pain and heartache; I will keep fighting, because I was happy once, and I know I can be happy again. 

Dear Sadness, I have ones who love me, who will hold me into the wee hours of the night. You have no one, and this is why you are so determined to possess me.

Dear Sadness, although you have become a frequent visitor in my life, I can't help but notice that my moments of happiness are becoming more frequent. Not frequent enough for my taste, but I will hold out for a day when I win.

Dear Depression,

Dear Depression, 

       Dear thing that causes me to cry for no reason at night, in the middle of the day, when I am doing something that makes me happy. Dear thing that will always be in my past, why must you insist on being in my present, determined to be in my future. Dear depression, you are a long-time acquaintance. I regret ever succumbing to you, I regret harming myself to try and feel better, because now it is all I want. Dear thing that is determined to stand in my way of being happy. I will win. Maybe not today, but soon, I will. 

       Dear depression, why must you always linger in the shadows? Come out and fight me in the daylight, I dare you. But you won't will you? Dear thing that causes me to hate myself, wishing terrible things. I hate you. But you know this don't you? Well you do now. You are a terrible thing, ruining my life, leaving me no hope. But I will never give up. I will keep fighting.